I haven't even been 23 for a week yet and I'm already scared of what this year is going to bring me. Maybe I've already endured the worst part of it...but I don't want to jinx myself.
Let's start at my first birthday celebration. It was a surprise. A great surprise. I was so happy the moment I walked thru the door of my girlfriend's apartment. I wasn't expecting anything...my birthday wasn't for another 5 days. I walked in, the lights turned on, and I was amidst a sea of smiling faces. "Happy birthday!" here and another there. I was taken back by her smile. She looked so happy to see me surprised. I noticed my best friend there and another friend of mine there too. I felt so happy to see the people that I love so much together in one room, for me. I knew it wasn't easy for them to do but they did it, for me. I was in shock but I could only feel happiness during that moment. I wanted to trap that moment in a bottle so I could keep it forever and replay it anytime I wanted to/needed to. I wish I had that bottle right now. I need it.
The night went on. We drank, laughed, hugged, took pictures. There was a surprise around every corner. Decorations, a cake, presents, so much time and dedication. But so quickly my joy turned into worry, frustration, and anger. And so quickly that anger turned into sadness. I raised my voice. I lost control. My friends were forced to leave. I was so scared and confused. I didn't understand why she didn't agree with me. I was trying to protect her and her new home. I needed her to back me up but she wouldn't. I later found out why and that reason still hurts to think about.
So much happened that night that I'm still learning about. She told me that she wasn't going to be friends with her. She said she had no interest in building a friendship with her. But she was texting her that night. And even after the incident at the surprise party, she promised me that she would never let me down again. She cried and plead with me. It took a lot of effort on my part but I agreed to give us another shot. I don't know what happened but only days after she fell into something else that would further complicate our relationship. I was trying so hard to forgive her and forget what happened because my birthday was coming up. I wanted to be happy when I turned 23. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be in love with the same person that I had been growing with the last 10 months. She would ask me every day after the party if I was okay. She would ask me what was on my mind. She felt like it was all too easy. She thought I was going to punish her, but I didn't want to. I wanted to see her as much as I could so that I would have less time on my own to think and possibly change my mind. I offered to take her to work on the following Monday after my classes were over. She let me take her and I was really happy to see her so soon after the weekend. I felt better when I saw her. I knew I would only have an hour with her but I thought it was better than nothing.
Little did I know that day that girl would go into my gf's store to surprise her with flowers. And to top it off my girlfriend, out of supposed guilt, would accept the flowers and keep them in her kitchen. It surprises me everyday the amount of disrespect there is in the world. I'm not sure why it even surprises me anymore. I have a lot of respect for people, especially when it comes to their relationships. I should come to terms with the fact that it will never be reciprocated. I'm angry. I wish she would've told that girl to leave. Accepting the flowers only lead her on. Accepting those flowers made it okay. Accepting those flowers put me last and made our relationship insignificant. And then she continued to talk to her. She let her vent to her on the phone for hours. She was a friend to someone that she told me she wouldn't be a friend to. I never asked her to promise me that. I told her that she didn't need to promise me anything. But she promised me anyway, and of course, she broke it. And she didn't tell me about ANY of this until last night. And I had to force it out of her. I have been honest with her from day one, even when I fucked up. I just wanted the same back. It's not crazy to want that.
I can admit that I drain her sometimes. A LOT of the time. I'm hard to please. I need a lot of assurance. I need the person I love to be there for me even when they can't physically be next to me. I just need the support and emotional connection. I have the tendency to drag things out. I won't let certain issues go because of how much they bother me. And I know that it drains her. We were fighting as usual the night of the 29th well into the 30th. We went back and forth in our argument. We were wearing each other down. I finally said the magic words that ruined us for a day. I broke up with her. I felt like I was releasing her from my chains. She wouldn't be drained anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about driving her crazy. I wouldn't be so worried anymore. I wouldn't be contemplating our relationship constantly. We hit a rough patch and we hit it hard. We were under pressure that we had created ourselves.
So we broke up for a day. And during that day I slept, woke up around 2, went on the computer, watched a movie, showered, and went to my best friend's house. I had a nice time. My heart was slightly aching but a big part of me still had hope. I cried a couple times throughout the day. I felt like it was normal though. I was releasing the sadness. I knew that if the break up was meant to be I would recover. If her and I were meant to fix things then we would. But another part of me was panicking. I know what she does when she's sad. She tries to move on. She puts herself out there, and it's always with the person that negatively affected our relationship the most. And she wonders why their name is always brought up in arguments. She gives them that power. It's not me. I have had legitimate worries. I was right.
I went about my day with the slightest bit of anxiety. I get a text around 1am and I call her moments after I leave my friend's house. She sounds so happy to hear my voice. And I was so happy to hear hers. She tells me how much she missed me and how much she wants to be with me forever. She asks if she can read something that she wrote to me. She tells me how important I am, how I am the only one for her, how she wants me to be her wife and the mother of her children...I fought back the tears. I pulled my car over and covered my mouth so that she wouldn't hear me crying. I felt so relieved. I felt like I had another chance to continue loving her. I drove to her house and when I saw her I walked quickly over to her, kissed her, and hugged her as tight as I could. I smiled and went inside with her. And we lived happily ever after...
Yeah right. I wish it ended there. We went to her room and sat down. She told me about her day. I got the first version of her story and I felt a bit uneasy but I let it slide, since I was the one that broke up with her. I questioned parts of her story, and I noticed parts were changing. After about an hour and about 5 different storylines, I finally got the real one, or so I hope. She spent the evening at her apartment with her. Yeah, her. She's told me a million times and sworn that this is the true story, but of course part of me is still scared that there is more that she isn't telling me. Apparently the girl invited herself over and once again my guilty gf felt too mean telling her to go home so she let her stay. They hung out and talked. They drank a bit. The girl tried to hold her hand, gave her a speech, and even tried kissing her. And after enough trying she gave in to her kiss. She said she didn't like it. She said she did it because she felt bad for her. Technically, she wasn't cheating on me. She wasn't cheating on me at all. I broke up with her. But it just happened so fast. I wish she mourned differently. I wish she felt like she was worth more when she was single. I wish she had more self respect. I want the woman I love to have an incredible amount of self-respect. I want her to be true to herself. It's okay to be sad. You don't need to make yourself available the second you're broken up with. You need time to recover. I wish she knew that doing these things would push me away. If what she said was true, that she would love me forever and wait for me until I was ready to love her forever, then she wouldn't do these things. She would know that I would have the hardest time getting over them.
I don't entirely blame her. I know that I broke her heart the second I broke up with her. I broke my own heart too. I didn't want to give up on love, I was just tired of draining her. I know that she feels guilty right now but I have to be real about this. I haven't always been perfect. I've wanted to move on quickly too. I've wanted to do stupid things. I've wanted to kiss the wrong person. I have kissed the wrong person, and she still gave me another chance. I wonder if an opportunity like the one she had yesterday had arisen for me, if I would've done the same thing. I might've. I think maybe I would've. Would it have meant that I loved her less? No, not at all. I probably would've had the same epiphany that she did afterward. I would've called her, cried, and told her that I didn't want to and couldn't love anyone else again. This is why I'm giving her another chance. Because I'm not one hundred percent sure that I wouldn't do the same thing. I'm about eighty five percent sure that I wouldn't, but still, that fifteen percent is on her side. I told her that if the story changed again, if any details were left out, that I wouldn't even bother listening to an excuse. I would be gone. I told her not to promise me anything that she couldn't do. I told her if she really loved me as much as she says she does, then she would let me go if she knew she couldn't be the gf that I need her to be. But she won't let me go because she believes that she will not let me down. We're back together, and we're going to give this all we got. I love her to death. I believe her and I believe IN her. God willing this works out this time. Because we could have quite a future together if we just let love win.