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Apr. 6th, 2011

If you want more love, why don't you say so?

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight. Let's just fix this whole thing now. I swear to God we're gonna get it right.

Mar. 14th, 2011


Lost in thought. I find myself on the outside looking in. A true out of body experience. A daily occurrence. It's self- therapy. It's always comforting to hear the kind words of a stranger. Great advice at just the right moment or a genuine compliment when you're feeling down. It all helps and I've always thought of it as God taking care of me when I need Him most. Those times I'm feeling weak, lost, or insecure. I get that nudge that points me in the right direction. I'm grateful for what I have. I was given an imagination and a heart that heals. I can be beat down and torn apart but I'll never give up.
I'm driving in my car and I am once again lost in thought. I beat fear and stress in the midst of my imagination. Motivation streaming through my mind. I am beginning to feel at ease. Be a good person. Strive to be the best version of yourself. You can only control so much. Give what you can. Take what is yours. Be prepared for the worst but expect the best. Don't forget to live in the moment. Take risks. Be fearless. Remember that it is okay to cry. Say what you need to say. Say what you want to say. Be aware. Don't blame yourself when it clearly wasn't your fault. Apologize when it was your fault. Fight for what is right. Fight for what is yours. Love. Love like you've never been hurt. I feel at ease.

Feb. 25th, 2011

When all else fails...write.

I wish to be in disguise. I'd watch you go about your day. I'd come closer when I felt you needed a distraction. I know your heart grows tired. I've watched you fight for what it right. I've watched you mourn for what is lost. You shouldn't know this kind of pain. Your heart is mine and I'm going to protect it. I'd do my best to distract you from your troubles. I'd guide you to a quiet place where you can sit and think. I'd show you beauty you'd never forget. I wouldn't disturb you for a second.
My mind breaks me down. Thoughts running through a slot machine that never stops with no way out. She helps me free them. I won't go crazy. I remember what it felt like. Feels like so long ago that I felt that way. So angry. So sad. So lost. I'd scream, shout, and cry. I felt so much guilt. Each day I wouldn't change. Each day I took advantage of what was good. I cried for the time that I was wasting.
But no more. I will finally see the end result. I'll make it through this bout of evil. I'm tired. I'll be free. Free from the chains that have weighed me down. My thoughts will escape me because they'll have no where else to go. I'm going to win.

Jan. 7th, 2011

I'm so tired of thinking about her again tonight.

I wish she'd just go away. I looked at her page today to see what my gf was talking about. This girl doesn't give up. She posts about my gf as if they had something solid. I can't help but wonder, is she insane? Or was I lied to? Did they have more than I thought? I wouldn't know. And I'm too tired of the subject to ask. I'm afraid of the details. I'm tired of hearing about her, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to know what's going on. I'd regret telling my gf not to tell me about her anymore. I need to stay informed. It's the only way I can keep going. If not, I'd just feel lost and lose hope again. I never want us to lose hope again.

One thing that irritates me is that I feel like I'm always dragging the truth out of her. If I didn't interrogate her, then I'd never get to the bottom of things. What if I had believed the initial story. Would I still not know the truth? I hope that she would've eventually told me. I believe so because it was her decision to tell me the truth that day I picked her up from work. The day I dropped her off at home and left right away. I thought it was completely over that day. I swore to myself that I wouldn't take her back. I wouldn't give her the chance to hurt me again. But I changed my mind. I believe in second chances. Not third of fourth, but second, yes. I loved her too much to give up so quickly. And I don't regret my decision at all. I'm happy. I hate giving this other girl this much attention but I'd rather deal with it then not be with my gf. It'll pass. I have faith that it will pass.

Of course looking at this chick's facebook doesn't give me the greatest feeling. I looked back to when they were "talking" behind my back. She had posts telling my gf that she loved her. I wonder what my gf thought when she saw that. She must've seen it when she posted it. I wonder what exactly went on between them. I wonder if it was ongoing or spontaneous. I wonder if my gf felt guilty and stopped, but then went back when we were angry at each other. I wonder why she couldn't have just broken up with me if she was so unhappy. I wonder a lot. Too much. My heart sank when I read her posts. I tried to remember what was going on with my gf and I around those dates. Did I do something wrong? I can hardly remember. We were fighting a lot I know that. It was a hectic month. My gf was dealing with her homophobic aunt and trying to secure a place to live. She was super stressed out. Her aunt left, but tried to kick her and her sister out too. I can't imagine experiencing what she experienced. Her family doesn't accept her. That must hurt so much. But it doesn't give her the excuse to act the way that she did. I read her post to the girl on Thanksgiving(my bday). It seemed platonic. Despite the comment about her and the girl having similar Thanksgiving's. I guess they have a lot in common when it comes to family. I can see how they bond over that. But it's not my fault I have a great family. I would never change that. Sometimes I wish I could relate to my gf and do a better job comforting her when it comes to that sort of thing. But I do the best I can. I try to put myself in her place and go from there.

I get so paranoid. I come up with these weird theories. As silly as it sounds I think I get subtle hints as to when something is off between us. First off, I always get this feeling in my gut. She doesn't look at me the way she usually does. She gets this looks of guilt, fear, or confusion in her eye. She texts me less, and when she does text it's curt and unloving. She changes her facebook picture. This might be a coincidence but I've noticed that whenever she changes her picture to one of her alone(preferably an old one or a cute flirty one) something is up. She most definitely does not have to put a picture of the both of us up to make me happy. I value independence and love to see a picture of just herself on her page. But it always seems to be in our off moments when she changes it. She mentioned that the other girl was posting stuff about her on her page. She asked me if she should contact her or make her own page public so that the chick could see that she was in love and happy. She wanted the girl to see that she was back in a relationship. My first thought was who cares. Who cares if this girl knows or not. It shouldn't affect us either way. This chick can post whatever the hell she wants on her page. It's her page. Messaging my gf or showing up at her work is another story. Then I'll get involved. But she can post whatever psycho shit she wants. That's her right. As much as she wants my gf to check her facebook page, she's not asking her to. So my gf can't tell her to take it off. And if my gf truly wanted this girl to see that she was happy and in love without making her whole profile public, she would've kept a picture of us up. She wouldn't have changed her picture to one of her alone, a picture focusing on her lips. Maybe she just wants the chick to see what she can't have. Maybe there is no connection at all. Maybe it really is JUST a picture. It's not big enough of an issue for me to ask her about it. But I will write about it here.

I wanted to ask my gf if she liked the attention. I wouldn't have been mad if she said yes. I understand it. Knowing that someone wants you but can't have you is an ego boost for anyone. But there are limits. Once you start giving back, you've crossed the line. If you give that person any sort of satisfaction or hope, it's gone too far. You can't help if someone has a crush on you. But you can help how you respond, which should be not at all.

My gf asks me questions and my imagination takes off. Last week she asked if I took her back in an effort to try and "save her". She asked if I still believed that she wasn't ready for a relationship. Just the other day she asked if I loved her 24/7. She wondered if there were moments when my love for her momentarily faded. She said she asked these questions our of curiosity and to prove that she loves me more. Which is not true! ;)
But of course I let my mind get the best of me. I start to wonder if she's looking for an easy way out. Maybe she wants me to question out relationship and let her go. I realize I'm being ridiculous and force myself to think of something else. She would leave me if she wanted to. I wouldn't hate her if she left me. I'd be devastated but I'd rather her leave me then hold on to a relationship she didn't want just because we've come so far or to protect me from hurt. But I'm going to stay positive. Our relationship is solid and it's only going to get stronger. I just feel the need to say things sometimes. For myself, and sometimes for her.

I realize this is all my imagination. I can only do my part. I can't do hers. The best thing for me to do is stay strong and keep letting our love grow. Love her just the same, if not more. It sounds cheesy but I'm going to love like I've never been hurt. I'm taking my gf's word for it. I have to trust her and let it go. I forgive her. But forgetting isn't as easy. I don't hold it against her. But I can't erase it from my mind. What's done is done. I need help getting passed it though. I should probably pray about it. I just feel bad asking God for help. That's all I ever really do. I forget to thank Him or even just talk to Him. I only go to Him when I need something. I need to stop that. I need to give more and not just take.

Some lyrics that brought me to this post...

She's gone
How do you feel about it?
That's what I thought
You're real torn up about it.
Worn me down like a road
I did anything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did anything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No you can't stop thinking about her

And you're wrong
You're wrong
I'm not overreacting
Something is off
Why don't we ever believe ourselves?
Worn me down like a road
I did anything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did anything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No you can't stop thinking about her
I'm so tired of thinking about her again tonight.

Jan. 4th, 2011

I get scared.

I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. I get sad and feel guilty. I cry and don't know why. But it feels so good to let it out. I think I cry because I get so confused sometimes. I don't cry because I feel hurt. She never purposely hurts me. Not now. Things have changed. I cry because I'm sad for other reasons. I cry because I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't always control my emotions. I fear that I'll drive myself crazy over worrying. I have to stop worrying. It's not easy to trust again but I know that I want to. With all my heart I want to trust again. I want to have the best relationship possible. I love her so much. I think about losing her and I can't take it. I know that it would be my fault if anything happened to us again. I wouldn't ever do anything stupid but my constant worrying can do just as much damage. I need to let go and let our love grow. I know I can do it. Moments with her are so amazing. I feel so complete. I feel so happy when I'm next to her. I feel like I've found something special. I have found something special. I can't let my mind get the best of me. I need to get out of my head. I cry because my mind doesn't stop. She won't hurt me. I know this. In my heart. So why doesn't my mind follow? I guess I just need time. But I know I drive her crazy with my questions and doubts. It would drive me crazy too, if I was in her shoes. I hope that she keeps her patience while I fight these insecurities.

I know it's bad but sometimes, on my worst days, I wonder...What if my doubts were right? What if she loved me, but just couldn't help herself. How would I deal? To avoid the pain of loss,I would want to love her nonetheless. I would give her everything that I have, even if she was lying to me. I would convince myself that it didn't matter. If I loved her right and gave her trust, then that's all I was responsible for. If she didn't do the same, that wasn't my problem. As long as I gave her all my love. BUT it would be my problem. It would be a very big problem. I break down and cry more because I feel like I've lost respect for myself. I deserve respect and an honest relationship. I deserve to love someone that treats me as well I treat them. I deserve to be with someone that only loves me, only gives and takes attention to and from me. No exceptions. If I can do that, why can't someone do it for me? And she does do that for me. And it's because she does that now I know that I won't accept anything else. Maybe I daydream about these worst case scenarios because I know they'd never happen. It's easy to say you'll stick around when treated badly when it's less probable. It is not going to happen. And if it did, I would leave. And that's that. I just get caught up in my mind. She gives me a look or says something and I turn it into something else. I need to stop. I need to trust unless given a reason not to trust. I got one reason but I'm letting that go. I want to. I want us to last. It's the only way I can move on. It's the only way we have a shot. I'm letting go of what set us back. She deserves that. I deserve that. We deserve that.

I know the kind of love I'm capable of. When I fall in love, I give everything to that person. When I know what I have is special, I can hold on forever. I can love her forever. I want to love her forever. I will. I don't know what it is but it's so hard for me to believe that anyone else can do the same. It's so difficult for me to believe that someone can love me forever too. I just make up excuses for them. I'm scared of rejection so I think of a million different reasons why someone could stop loving me. I try to accept it before it happens. Here's 10 off the top of my crazy head. 1)They are too young to know what love is. 2)They are going to grow bored of this relationship. 3)They'll meet someone else with whom they have a better connection with 4)They'll realize they'd rather have me as a friend. 5)They don't love me like that anymore, but they're too afraid to hurt me by leaving me 6)They're not attracted to me(anymore) 7)They'll realize they're straight. 8)They don't see a future with me anymore. 9)They want to know what it's like to be single again. 10)I'm just not enough.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to give my relationship the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that someone can love like I do. I want to risk rejection. I want to risk everything for the greatest reward that is love. True love. I need to get my act together so I don't lose it.

Dec. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

When you think nothing could be further from the truth
When you're sure nothing could be further from the cold, hard truth
I kneel, to condition all the feelings that I feel
Slow it down, you have a tendency to rush back into your past
Slow it down, you transfer all your weight and disappear
You kneel, to condition all the feelings that you feel

I've got a red belt around my mind
My hands tied up around these words
I wish you'd call, but I know that you're out tonight
My ears fill with the sound of you kneeling
My ears fill with the sound of descent
My ears fill with the sound of you arching
Slow it down, you have a tendency to rush back into your past
Slow it down, you transfer all your weight and disappear

Kneel, to condition all the feelings that you feel

Dec. 1st, 2010


I haven't even been 23 for a week yet and I'm already scared of what this year is going to bring me. Maybe I've already endured the worst part of it...but I don't want to jinx myself.

Let's start at my first birthday celebration. It was a surprise. A great surprise. I was so happy the moment I walked thru the door of my girlfriend's apartment. I wasn't expecting anything...my birthday wasn't for another 5 days. I walked in, the lights turned on, and I was amidst a sea of smiling faces. "Happy birthday!" here and another there. I was taken back by her smile. She looked so happy to see me surprised. I noticed my best friend there and another friend of mine there too. I felt so happy to see the people that I love so much together in one room, for me. I knew it wasn't easy for them to do but they did it, for me. I was in shock but I could only feel happiness during that moment. I wanted to trap that moment in a bottle so I could keep it forever and replay it anytime I wanted to/needed to. I wish I had that bottle right now. I need it.
The night went on. We drank, laughed, hugged, took pictures. There was a surprise around every corner. Decorations, a cake, presents, so much time and dedication. But so quickly my joy turned into worry, frustration, and anger. And so quickly that anger turned into sadness. I raised my voice. I lost control. My friends were forced to leave. I was so scared and confused. I didn't understand why she didn't agree with me. I was trying to protect her and her new home. I needed her to back me up but she wouldn't. I later found out why and that reason still hurts to think about.

So much happened that night that I'm still learning about. She told me that she wasn't going to be friends with her. She said she had no interest in building a friendship with her. But she was texting her that night. And even after the incident at the surprise party, she promised me that she would never let me down again. She cried and plead with me. It took a lot of effort on my part but I agreed to give us another shot. I don't know what happened but only days after she fell into something else that would further complicate our relationship. I was trying so hard to forgive her and forget what happened because my birthday was coming up. I wanted to be happy when I turned 23. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be in love with the same person that I had been growing with the last 10 months. She would ask me every day after the party if I was okay. She would ask me what was on my mind. She felt like it was all too easy. She thought I was going to punish her, but I didn't want to. I wanted to see her as much as I could so that I would have less time on my own to think and possibly change my mind. I offered to take her to work on the following Monday after my classes were over. She let me take her and I was really happy to see her so soon after the weekend. I felt better when I saw her. I knew I would only have an hour with her but I thought it was better than nothing.

Little did I know that day that girl would go into my gf's store to surprise her with flowers. And to top it off my girlfriend, out of supposed guilt, would accept the flowers and keep them in her kitchen. It surprises me everyday the amount of disrespect there is in the world. I'm not sure why it even surprises me anymore. I have a lot of respect for people, especially when it comes to their relationships. I should come to terms with the fact that it will never be reciprocated. I'm angry. I wish she would've told that girl to leave. Accepting the flowers only lead her on. Accepting those flowers made it okay. Accepting those flowers put me last and made our relationship insignificant. And then she continued to talk to her. She let her vent to her on the phone for hours. She was a friend to someone that she told me she wouldn't be a friend to. I never asked her to promise me that. I told her that she didn't need to promise me anything. But she promised me anyway, and of course, she broke it. And she didn't tell me about ANY of this until last night. And I had to force it out of her. I have been honest with her from day one, even when I fucked up. I just wanted the same back. It's not crazy to want that.

I can admit that I drain her sometimes. A LOT of the time. I'm hard to please. I need a lot of assurance. I need the person I love to be there for me even when they can't physically be next to me. I just need the support and emotional connection. I have the tendency to drag things out. I won't let certain issues go because of how much they bother me. And I know that it drains her. We were fighting as usual the night of the 29th well into the 30th. We went back and forth in our argument. We were wearing each other down. I finally said the magic words that ruined us for a day. I broke up with her. I felt like I was releasing her from my chains. She wouldn't be drained anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about driving her crazy. I wouldn't be so worried anymore. I wouldn't be contemplating our relationship constantly. We hit a rough patch and we hit it hard. We were under pressure that we had created ourselves.
So we broke up for a day. And during that day I slept, woke up around 2, went on the computer, watched a movie, showered, and went to my best friend's house. I had a nice time. My heart was slightly aching but a big part of me still had hope. I cried a couple times throughout the day. I felt like it was normal though. I was releasing the sadness. I knew that if the break up was meant to be I would recover. If her and I were meant to fix things then we would. But another part of me was panicking. I know what she does when she's sad. She tries to move on. She puts herself out there, and it's always with the person that negatively affected our relationship the most. And she wonders why their name is always brought up in arguments. She gives them that power. It's not me. I have had legitimate worries. I was right.

I went about my day with the slightest bit of anxiety. I get a text around 1am and I call her moments after I leave my friend's house. She sounds so happy to hear my voice. And I was so happy to hear hers. She tells me how much she missed me and how much she wants to be with me forever. She asks if she can read something that she wrote to me. She tells me how important I am, how I am the only one for her, how she wants me to be her wife and the mother of her children...I fought back the tears. I pulled my car over and covered my mouth so that she wouldn't hear me crying. I felt so relieved. I felt like I had another chance to continue loving her. I drove to her house and when I saw her I walked quickly over to her, kissed her, and hugged her as tight as I could. I smiled and went inside with her. And we lived happily ever after...
Yeah right. I wish it ended there. We went to her room and sat down. She told me about her day. I got the first version of her story and I felt a bit uneasy but I let it slide, since I was the one that broke up with her. I questioned parts of her story, and I noticed parts were changing. After about an hour and about 5 different storylines, I finally got the real one, or so I hope. She spent the evening at her apartment with her. Yeah, her. She's told me a million times and sworn that this is the true story, but of course part of me is still scared that there is more that she isn't telling me. Apparently the girl invited herself over and once again my guilty gf felt too mean telling her to go home so she let her stay. They hung out and talked. They drank a bit. The girl tried to hold her hand, gave her a speech, and even tried kissing her. And after enough trying she gave in to her kiss. She said she didn't like it. She said she did it because she felt bad for her. Technically, she wasn't cheating on me. She wasn't cheating on me at all. I broke up with her. But it just happened so fast. I wish she mourned differently. I wish she felt like she was worth more when she was single. I wish she had more self respect. I want the woman I love to have an incredible amount of self-respect. I want her to be true to herself. It's okay to be sad. You don't need to make yourself available the second you're broken up with. You need time to recover. I wish she knew that doing these things would push me away. If what she said was true, that she would love me forever and wait for me until I was ready to love her forever, then she wouldn't do these things. She would know that I would have the hardest time getting over them.

I don't entirely blame her. I know that I broke her heart the second I broke up with her. I broke my own heart too. I didn't want to give up on love, I was just tired of draining her. I know that she feels guilty right now but I have to be real about this. I haven't always been perfect. I've wanted to move on quickly too. I've wanted to do stupid things. I've wanted to kiss the wrong person. I have kissed the wrong person, and she still gave me another chance. I wonder if an opportunity like the one she had yesterday had arisen for me, if I would've done the same thing. I might've. I think maybe I would've. Would it have meant that I loved her less? No, not at all. I probably would've had the same epiphany that she did afterward. I would've called her, cried, and told her that I didn't want to and couldn't love anyone else again. This is why I'm giving her another chance. Because I'm not one hundred percent sure that I wouldn't do the same thing. I'm about eighty five percent sure that I wouldn't, but still, that fifteen percent is on her side. I told her that if the story changed again, if any details were left out, that I wouldn't even bother listening to an excuse. I would be gone. I told her not to promise me anything that she couldn't do. I told her if she really loved me as much as she says she does, then she would let me go if she knew she couldn't be the gf that I need her to be. But she won't let me go because she believes that she will not let me down. We're back together, and we're going to give this all we got. I love her to death. I believe her and I believe IN her. God willing this works out this time. Because we could have quite a future together if we just let love win.
Tags: ,

Nov. 9th, 2010

(no subject)

I love her.

That's all for now. Be back later.

Oct. 12th, 2010

Why is it so hard?

Just a brief preface...
I'm feeling sad, anxious, and paranoid right now. This is just a rant. Don't be scared.

Now onto it...
I feel manipulated and paranoid. I thought this feeling would go away one day. I deserve for it to go away. Now. It shouldn't be there. I'm tired of the games. I hate how this feels. My heart sinks into my stomach. What a terrible feeling. Such sadness. I can feel tears trickling down my throat. I hold back even when I'm alone. What's wrong with me? I can't even cry when I'm by myself. It's like I'm afraid to embarrass myself in front of myself...I keep trying to make excuses. But I'm not doing anything wrong... Am I? It's not like I never do. I know I make mistakes. But I'm not wrong here. I know what I'm entitled to. I can't feel like this forever. I need to stop making excuses for the way that I feel. When I feel like something is wrong, something IS wrong. I've never been wrong when it's come to that. But I always deny it. I need to stop doing that. Because days, weeks, or months later I always find out what the problem was and I beat myself up over it. I need to speak up when I feel disrespected. I pretend that it's okay. I pretend that it means something else. I pretend my way into the destruction of my self-respect and self-esteem.
Do I expect too much? Are my standards too high? I don't think so. I don't want perfect. I never wanted perfect. I just want to be treated right. And I AM. For the most part. I am so loved. I am very well taken care of. Then maybe this is all in my head. Maybe my insecurities have been eating away at my insides for so long that they've finally made their way to the surface. They're revealing themselves to the fullest extent. What now? How do I stop it? I can't. I need to let it run it's course. And then...it will be gone. I'll be stronger.
I want you to be there when this battle is over. I need you to be there. I need you to stay. But changes need to be made. This uncertainty is more than my heart can handle. I regress into a puddle of old emotions. I thought these were gone. Then again I never properly released them so it's partly my fault. I remember the way I used to feel, all the time. It can't be like that again. That feeling...like I have to be perfect 24/7. I'm so used to being abused in relationships. Treated like a rag doll. I'm a good person. I'm a nice girl. I have a good heart. I fall in love, and I'll never ask for my heart back. Regardless, its gotten beaten down and used, played with, tossed aside, even laughed at. I remember feeling like if I were to make a mistake, I would deserve the absolute worst, no matter how small my mistake was. I feel like this is always the outcome. I feel like if I'm not always there, then I'll be punished.
I've always done the running. I'll run after people forever, I'll pour my heart out. I'll say sorry a million times but it's not ever good enough.
Would you run after me? Am I worth the chase? I'm not running don't worry, but I wish I knew the answer to that question. I used to dream of the day that I would push someone away, and run as far as my feet would take me. But when I got there, I'd find that person waiting for me before I even reached where I was running to. I want that kind of love. I'm not one for games, so I'd never push someone away just to see if they'd chase me. But sometimes, I just wish that I could confidently say that someone would run miles and even swim the ocean for me. God knows I'd do it for the one I love.
I want to feel like you will never give up on me. Ever. I don't want to be scared. I don't want to fear losing everything because I don't always say or do the perfect thing.
It's midnight and I'm once again fighting my anxiety. Anxiety triggered by my past, parts of my present, and a fear of the future. It hurts so much to love sometimes, but it's still worth it. You can't always look out for your heart. That could easily prevent you from experiencing the breathtaking parts of love. Choose your battles wisely.

Sep. 28th, 2010

Who would play you?

Have you ever wondered who would play you in a movie? How would your character be portrayed? Would the final product be disappointing? I always think about things like this. I've reached a point in my life where self-reflection is a daily occurrence. My mind, my way of thinking, has changed so much in the past few years. I'm maturing and I've taken notice. I know I have ways to go but I can't help but wonder who I'll be when I reach that certain point. By "certain point" I mean the age in which I'm entirely confident in who I am. Or will there ever really be a point? Will I ever be certain of my purpose? I don't think so. I think I'll always be curious. I'll always want to be more. I'll be working on myself until the day that I die. There isn't much time for rest here.
I wonder what people see. I like to believe I have a good sense of self. I'm confident in who I am and what I represent. I am a good person. Most of the time my heart is in the right place. And when it isn't, I know it. So that's a positive involving a negative. Not too bad. I know how I feel and how I'd like to present myself, but I don't know if I am successful. I worry that maybe people see only half of who I'd like to be. I'd like to say that I don't care what people think, but there are definitely those whose thoughts I do mind. I hope that the individuals I admire and respect see me for who I am. Or at least who I think I am. Who I'd like to be.
I'd like to believe I'm a good daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend. I wish I came off as intelligent, charming, funny, and kind-hearted. But if I do or I don't, it's only part of the act. I shouldn't say act, since this doesn't require acting at all. Maybe that's where I go wrong. I have trouble conveying the key aspects of my character to the audience. I'm quiet, and a bit shy. I wouldn't change it but I'm aware that it sets me back at times, esp. in times like these.
It's the times when I'm not thinking about all this that I'm most true to myself. We're challenged everyday. We encounter obstacles that test our values and morals. These occurrences can be a rude awakening to who we are, what we've become. Or they can be an assurance that we're still on the right track. These instances may assure us that we're still decent human beings. As long as I stay decent I think I'll be alright. I don't need the world to be flawlessly informed of my list of personal pros and cons. It's not necessary. I can be satisfied with a strong sense of personal understanding and appreciation for the way that God made me. My family, my close friends, and my one true love are the only ones that really matter. They keep me strong and true to myself. I hope that I give back as much as they've given me.

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April 2011



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